Running Backwards in the Race

Running backwards in the race.  That’s what I feel like we are doing.  Attempting to move forward, but not quite getting there.

This morning was my first time going to church since being in Michigan.  I believe this is the longest stretch of time I have gone without attending corporate worship.  I’m not entirely sure why it has taken me so long, but it has.  Each week I had a reason for not going.  Some weeks I was just plain exhausted.  Some weeks I didn’t feel like being around a bunch of people.  And some weeks, I didn’t really have a reason at all.  Could it be that I was avoiding God?  I’m not sure.  I don’t feel like I have been avoiding God… because there is literally no way I could have made it these 6 weeks and 2 days (longer if you count the week I was in the hospital before Serenity was born) without Him.  From day one I have attempted to put every ounce of trust I have into the God I serve.  From day one, my faith was in Him.  My faith was in knowing that no matter what happened, it was in His good, pleasing, and perfect will. 

So why?  Why have I been avoiding my Savior in a corporate worship setting?  Well… this morning, I think I discovered why.  We sang “In Christ Alone” this morning as a church body (if you don’t know the lyrics, I encourage you to look them up).  And for what was probably the first time in my life, I stopped singing and just listened to the words.  For anyone who knows me, I’m not the type to stand there and not be singing.  I love to sing.  Singing is one of the things in life that brings me immense joy.  But instead of singing I listened.  My heart listened.  For what feels like the first time in a little over six weeks, I could FEEL.  I felt a connection with my Savior again.  That might seem weird to many, considering everything I have said throughout this journey so far.  I never lost sight of my Lord, and I never forgot where my hope came from, nor did I forget Whom my trust was in.  But I had been numb.  I had been numb, and I didn’t want to feel.  I was afraid to feel.  I knew the intense love that comes from my Lord would bring with it an ocean of feelings, and I was afraid I wouldn’t be emotionally strong enough to handle receiving that kind of love. 

 My emotions are still on shaky ground.  I feel like I still have a wall around my heart in attempts to hold myself together (even still, I’m only able to keep that wall up with the strength my God has given me).  But as the days go by, and the hours stretch on, and there seems to be very little progress being made, the more difficult it is to keep that wall up.  I feel like I’m running backwards in the race.  I’ve been running with everything I’ve got for a little over six weeks and I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere.  I feel the energy draining from my body.  I feel my emotions treading on thin ice.  I feel my strength beginning to waiver. 

I feel like this afternoon’s events have spurred this extra effort given in this race in which I’m working so hard to reach the finish line.  To hear, once again, that Serenity is not doing well has sucked the life right out of me.  The doctor thinks there is an infection in her gut.  The incision sight is also not looking so well.  There is a possible issue with the skin that is supposed to be attached to the stoma.  And, well, it’s more “wait and see” kind of stuff that is very difficult for me.  I am not a patient person.  And I am someone who does not enjoy the feeling of being in “limbo”.  What this all means in terms of what will happen next, I’m not sure.  The short-term goal is to stay ahead of any type of infection that might be trying to take over her very tiny body.  Obviously she has been in much worse shape before, but to know that her little body is once again having to fight so hard to live, can be… well, to put it plainly, discouraging. 

I know that God has complete control of her life.  I know that His plan is so completely perfect in every way.  But when you’ve never been through a test such as this before, it is not always easy.

So pray for me (and Ryan) that we will continue to put complete trust in our God.  That He will fill us with strength.  That He will give us peace.  That our faith and hope will be in Him, that His will is perfect.  And, as always, pray for Serenity.  Pray for God’s will in her life.  Send requests up to the Father that He heal her body, and have complete faith that He can and will if that is his perfect plan for her.  And lastly, but most importantly, please pray that this journey will not take our eyes off Yahweh.  That is where I am finding struggle.  I have put so much focus into finding my hope and strength in God in this situation with Serenity, that I have taken the focus off the cross.  I have taken my focus off of where my priority should be, and that is Yeshua.  Because of Him, and the sacrifice He made for us so long ago, we are able to have peace.  Because of Him, we have hope of a future.  Because of Him, we have no fear in death.  It’s all because of Him.