Serenity: 15 weeks (Gestation age: 39 weeks 2 days)

I was looking at my pregnancy tracking app on my phone this evening, and realizing that it was proclaiming,  "5 Days to go!" Wow. Is Serenity's due date really only 5 days away?! Where has the time gone? Time has been sucked with a vacuum-like intensity into the abyss that is called the NICU. That's where time has gone. No one goes looking for it, for fear they may never come back.

Today, in the abyss that is the NICU, it was hard. Stopping long enough to truly think about where we are on the progress chart. Serenity is 5 days away from her due date, and not even close to going home. She is still on the ventilator. She is barely able to eat. She is holding fluid like a person wandering in the desert attempting to hold on to any water she can manage to hold on to. And to top it all off, she now has a firm spot in her side. We are still waiting on the ultrasound results as to what exactly that is.

I think Serenity is beginning to get fed up with all of this mess as well. As of late, she has become very irritable for no reason that anyone can figure out, other than she is just older now, and tired of living the NICU life. I can't say that I blame her. I love it here and all, and will greatly miss all of the hospital staff that have become great friends, but I am ready to be home.

Home. What even IS home anymore? The one time I was able to make a short trip to my actual home, it felt foreign. It smelled weird. And not just weird, but unfamiliar. When I come to the Ronald McDonald House, it feels more familiar than my own house (which makes me sad), but it still doesn't feel like HOME. So I'm left feeling as though I have no real home. I can't even suck it up and tell myself that "Home is where the heart is." Because my heart is in 3 different places right now. My heart is with Serenity, with Liam, and with Ryan. All of which are in different places.

For now, this is home. As much as I wish to be with my whole family in one place, this is just where we are as a family right now. As much as it hurts, and as much as I want it to end, this is just life.