Is This The Beginning Of The End?

I had a bit of a comical moment turned serious a few days ago.

I can't fully remember what I was even doing at the time, but within a matter of about 30 seconds, two separate electronic devices started acting crazy. My first thought was, "That was weird." Then, "What if all the electronics in the world are about to go bonkers and start freaking out?" And after that, "What if that means the whole world is about to become complete chaos?!" and finally, "What if Jesus is about to come back RIGHT NOW and this is the beginning of the end???!!!" All within a span of about 10 seconds. (See how quickly that escalated?)

But that led me to start thinking about all the frustrations I had been having that morning leading up to the electronic freak out moment, and all the frustrations immediately faded. My heart was in a different place. I was thinking about Home. My heavenly home. I was thinking about my Lord coming for me. I was also thinking about how I didn't want my heart and my attitude to be bitter and grumbly and resentful and angry. What a horrible way to be feeling when I meet my Lord! Not only because I would quickly realize how very insignificant all the things that had been bothering me were, but also because I would be so ashamed that the state of my heart was ugly. And I would see my heart for what it was in contrast to our Holy God.

For the rest of the day my thoughts were not here on this earth very much. I kept thinking about the Messiah coming back for his Bride, the Church.

Wouldn't it help our daily life in so many ways if we constantly had in the front of our minds our Lord coming back for us at literally any moment? I know I struggle to remember the reality of that. It seems so far away to me most of the time. But even if THAT moment ends up being far away, not one person is guaranteed tomorrow. I could die in a car accident today. And in that instant, meet the King and Creator of the Universe.

If I can keep my mind focused on these things, all of the frustrations and problems that usually upset me in a day will become increasingly insignificant and not worth worrying about. My mind will be more focused and purposeful toward what is important, and filled less with the world and its problems.

"So if you have been raised with the Messiah, seek what is above, where the Messiah is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with the Messiah in God. When the Messiah, who is your life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory." (Colossians 3:1-4)

"Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne." (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Baby Nichols #5 Update

There have been many people asking how this baby is doing throughout the pregnancy, so I wanted to update everyone.

As many already know, I became Rh-Sensitzed sometime between delivering Arwen and my first blood draw with Ava. Thankfully, Ava's pregnancy went extremely well with no problems.

This pregnancy has been going extremely well also. I have to go once a week to Mercy St. Louis for a high risk ultrasound, for them to check the blood flow in the baby's brain, to make sure she is not becoming anemic -- which is the danger of being Rh-Sensitized. My blood attacks the baby's blood as if it were a virus.

Like I said, everything has gone extremely well, until last week the blood flow numbers had gone up significantly. They were still in normal range, but it was a surprise change from the way things have been going this whole time.

This week, the blood flow numbers showed another significant jump; Although still barely hanging in the normal range. The Dr. came in to speak to me and said if the numbers keep going up at the rate they have been over the past two visits, we will have to do a blood transfusion sometime next week.

Because of this, I have to go ahead and start preparing for that. I have to go to my delivering OB and get two steroid shots, 24-hours apart, to help develop the baby's lungs, if anything were to go wrong during transfusion and baby need to be delivered.

I will also have to get another blood flow ultrasound on Friday (Feb. 10) for them to determine how quickly things are progressing. And there is the possibility that a transfusion will have to be done as early as Monday (Feb. 13). If the transfusion is needed right away I will also have to give blood for the hospital to Type and Cross Match my blood with donor blood to make sure they don't give the baby any of the same antibodies I have in my blood. It also cannot be frozen, it has to be fresh.

This procedure has to be done similar to a C-section as far as the environment goes, in a Labor and Delivery Operating Room, as it has to be a sterile environment, with a big curtain blocking my view, and they need to be prepared for basically anything. They will have to first draw blood from the baby to determine exactly how anemic she is. Then they can do the transfusion and give her the correct amount.

They also will have to give me some sort of sedation that keeps me calm and VERY still during the procedure, because they will be inserting a large needle into my stomach, but also doesn't effect the baby TOO much if they have to deliver.

Long story short, everything is happening all at once. But we know that our hope rests in Yahweh, and everything will be okay, no matter the outcome. But we still appreciate your prayers. For the baby and her safety, and for my nerves.

Also, there is a very real possibility if we make it safely through all the transfusions baby needs without having to deliver, that we will still have to deliver around 34/35 weeks gestation. So prayers for that too.

Thank you all for the prayers and support you've given our family through everything we've been through. We love and appreciate every one of you.

Remembering and Looking Ahead

Today feels odd to me. I don't know how else to explain it. Today is the anniversary of Serenity's death. I remember being very sad on this day last year. This year, I haven't come to that point yet. I'm sure at some point today, I'll go over the memories and images in my mind of what it was like holding our baby girl, almost 5 months old but still very tiny, as she took her last breaths. And then I'm sure the pain will come. But for now, it hasn't. God has brought me a long way on that journey. And I know that it wasn't for nothing.

I was thinking this morning how, if we had never gone through what we did with Serenity, every pregnancy and delivery we've had afterwards would have been a million times more difficult. Going through the worst thing I think a parent can experience, for me, has helped most other things not seem as bad. I'm sure some people have even thought I have been calloused about certain things, but when you've lived the NICU scene with a micro preemie for almost 5 months, watching that baby knock on death's door multiple times, pull through each time, only to watch that child knock on that door for the final time, and actually enter through it, it changes you. I seem to want to compare everything to that experience. And when I do, most other things don't seem nearly as bad. But, there is still an element of fear there. I haven't been professionally diagnosed, but at certain times I feel as though I still suffer from some post traumatic stress. There have been some medical decisions with our children that have paralyzed me, where I wasn't paralyzed before. So there is still fear that creeps up, it just presents itself in ways I don't expect.

With Ava, I was worried. I didn't know what to expect with her. We had never gone through an Rh-sensitized pregnancy before that. But God brought us and Ava through it unscathed. And I'm extremely thankful for that.

This pregnancy presents more concern. Every doctor has told us that the issue worsens with each pregnancy. But we really have no idea what to expect. The thing that is most difficult for me in all of this, I think, is the fact that my own body, the body that is supposed to protect and grow this beautiful child, bringing it life, is instead trying to suck the life from it. That's a hard thing for me to deal with. That the child I want so badly to protect, is being attacked by my body as if it were a virus, a disease.

However, what I know without a shadow of a doubt, is this tiny human was meant to have life. Medically speaking, this child is impossible. But God has bigger plans. What those plans are, I have no idea. Serenity's life would not have been what I had planned. But I know that we all have a purpose in this life, and she fulfilled her purpose, so she got to go Home. And I know part of her purpose was to prepare us for this pregnancy. So we would remember how to trust God fully, and put our hope in Him above all else, bringing Him all the glory He so deserves.

In remembering Serenity today, and her purpose, and thinking about this baby's purpose, I am left with this passage. Soak in its beauty. Before these children were even conceived (when they were formless), God saw them, and He knew exactly what each day of their lives would look like.

"For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth.Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began."                                                     -Psalm 139:13-16

Rejoice Always

There has been a topic come up several times in the past week or so. And that is about suffering. But the reminder that suffering is not just suffering. There is purpose in our suffering, it is not meaningless. Suffering is something that is going to produce growth in us if we allow it, and we are commanded to rejoice  in our trials.

I've always known this. That we are supposed to find great joy in our trials and suffering because of the growth in our faith that comes from it, and because of God's glory being revealed. And I had even come to a point of not trying to wish away our suffering during our trial with Serenity, although I don't feel I did a very good job of that. But I began this new journey, with our surprise baby, with fears, doubts, all of the above. I know how dangerous this pregnancy has a potential of being. I know how scary that could be. But I've been being challenged to rejoice in this. I don't know exactly how to do that other than to be happy for this baby, which I am! And to thank God for this new life, which I do! And to find my complete rest and peace in my Lord, which I'm well on my way to doing -- but will have to be diligent to keep myself from looking in other directions for peace and comfort, and not allowing the fears to creep up and take over.

We humans have a natural tendency to complain about anything that disrupts our plan, or becomes inconvenient, or causes us discomfort in any way. But my prayer is that God show me how to NOT do that. I'm a complainer. I probably complain more than the average person. I really need to work on it.

So pray for me as I learn how to "Rejoice always, and Give thanks in everything (for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus)."1 Thessalonians 5:16, 18

James 1:2-4
Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.

Road Trip

It's been a few days since we learned of our surprise pregnancy. I still can't say for sure how I feel. I called my OB this morning to set up my first appoint. I actually was transferred to her by the receptionist to speak to my OB directly. It made me feel good that after a little bit of a chuckle as she came on the line, her very next words were checking on me to see how I was feeling about the pregnancy. I love that my doctor cares about her patients physically, but also emotionally and mentally as well. My words to her were that I was shocked, but that I was okay, and know that everything will be alright.

Now, that was a condensed version, partly leaving out some things. That is ultimately how I feel. But I'm still navigating this territory. I do feel a little lost. My mind and heart had settled in and put in stakes in the land of Ava being my last baby. I've been enjoying so much of her because I've wanted to hold onto every last drop of this age. But now, now I have to uproot my heart and mind and take the long, 9 (but we all know it's really 10) month road trip back to new baby land. It's a good thing it takes that long to get there, to give ourselves enough time to get acclimated.

I know that this new chapter will be full of unknowns, some of those scary. But ultimately, my hope rests in the Lord. Even if it does take my heart and mind a little bit to get to where I will set up camp for the next while.


Psalm 62:5-8
"Rest in God alone, my soul,
for my hope comes from Him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock.
My refuge is in God.
8 Trust in Him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts before Him.
God is our refuge. Selah"

Road Trip

It's been a few days since we learned of our surprise pregnancy. I still can't say for sure how I feel. I called my OB this morning to set up my first appoint. I actually was transferred to her by the receptionist to speak to my OB directly. It made me feel good that after a little bit of a chuckle as she came on the line, her very next words were checking on me to see how I was feeling about the pregnancy. I love that my doctor cares about her patients in a physically, but also emotionally and mentally as well. My words to her were that I was shocked, but that I was okay, and know that everything will be alright.

Now, that was a condensed version, partly leaving out some things. That is ultimately how I feel. But I'm still navigating this territory. I do feel a little lost. My mind and heart had settled in and put in stakes in the land of Ava being my last baby. I've been enjoying so much of her because I've wanted to hold onto every last drop of this age. But now, now I have to uproot my heart and mind and take the long, 9 (but we all know it's really 10) month road trip back to new baby land. It's a good thing it takes that long to get there, to give ourselves enough time to get acclimated.

I know that this new chapter will be full of unknowns, some of those scary. But ultimately, my hope rests in the Lord. Even if it does take my heart and mind a little bit to get to where I will set up camp for the next while.


Psalm 62:5-8
"Rest in God alone, my soul,
for my hope comes from Him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock.
My refuge is in God.
8 Trust in Him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts before Him.
God is our refuge. Selah"

Surprise!

Well... Here I am again, writing on this blog that has brought us through so much. And I have more to add to the story.

Let me start with explaining, many people did not know that my pregnancy with Ava was scary for us. I don't know why I didn't share with the world, but I didn't. Somehow between Arwen's birth and getting pregnant with Ava, by blood became Rh sensitized. What this means isthat my blood now has antibodies that attack any baby I get pregnant with that has Rh positive blood. I had to go to many high risk appointments and my mind was swirling with when I was supposed to be where, as my appointments were at multiple locations, with multiple doctors.

Thankfully, God protected our little Ava all the way through the pregnancy, and she was born happy and healthy!

During that pregnancy my OB has suggested that we consider not having anymore children. She told us she does not normally tell people that, but in our case, she felt it was important to recommend to us. As things would get more and more dangerous with each pregnancy after. So, Ryan took medical measures to prevent any future pregnancies. We followed the post-procedure protocol. Ryan had his post-procedure check up. And we were given the "All Clear" from the urologist. We could now breathe easy. No more pregnancies to worry about.

Fast forward about a month. And well.... surprise! We're pregnant! Wait, WHAT??!!!!

I track everything on a calendar and started looking back at it. Sure enough, we have gotten pregnant after the "all clear" was given.

So now we need to ask for prayer. Lots of prayer. This pregnancy will be more dangerous for the baby than it was for Ava. As my pregnancy with Ava started out with a small amount of antibodies, that only went up a little bit throughout the pregnancy. And this pregnancy, the antibodies will be starting off with the amount Ava left off with. So there will be more there to start, and they will gain number throughout the pregnancy. These antibodies see the baby's blood as a virus. A threat. And therefore, will begin attacking the baby as if it were a disease needing to be gotten rid of. Our main concern is anemia. If the baby becomes too anemic during the pregnancy, they will have to give blood transfusions through my stomach -- which scares the living daylights out of me. Anyone who knows me, knows my relationship with needles. I had a similar procedure when I was in labor with Serenity, where they stuck a similar needle into my stomach to test the amniotic fluid. They said they had been told it felt like getting your funny bone hit. Let me tell you.... they lied.

I have also had Preeclampsia in one of my pregnancies, making me more likely to get it again. So please pray.

It's very likely that I will be keeping up with the blog once again as we go through this pregnancy.  I don't know why God saw fit for us to go through another scary time with another child, but He obviously did. I have no doubt He has a plan for this child. And I have no doubt that He has a plan for us with all of this.


James 1:2-4
"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing."

Psalm 139:16
"Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began."

An Open Letter To Those Who May Disagree With Me

It's been awhile since I've written on here... but my entire being is bursting with words that need get out.

If you have never lost a child, or even more specifically, if you have never had a child born extremely early and spent months in the NICU, only for that child to still not make it in the end, I don't expect you to understand. In fact, it would be incredibly difficult to understand where I'm coming from, unless you've been down my path. And even then, everyone handles life situations differently.

I spent the majority of 2013 making some of the most difficult decisions of my entire life. Only for those decisions to result in a death. The death of my first daughter. A death I was never expecting to have to endure. A death that will cause pain in my heart for the rest of my life, regardless of how at peace I am with the situation.

In light of going through all of that, I've been just a little on the overprotective side with our second daughter. I think I have every right to be. I've already lost one child, and I prefer to not lose another.

The truth of the matter is, my daughter's doctor cannot guarantee that she will not have a life crippling reaction to vaccines, or even die from them. I can bet you money (even though I don't bet for real) that he would not be willing to sign a legal document stating that my daughter will not have any type of negative reaction to the vaccines he wants to give her. Nor will he sign a legal document stating that he will be solely responsible if something negative does happen to her upon giving her vaccines. Why? Because they are not 100% safe. They are MOSTLY safe. But not 100%.

Now before I lose you, please allow me to explain further.
Some would say, "Wouldn't you rather take a chance with a vaccine than for your child to catch a disease?! And isn't a chance of autism better than a chance of death??" My answer to that is this:

a) Yes, disease can cause death, and so can vaccines
b) Yes, disease can cause other life altering side effects, and so can vaccines
c) If my daughter catches a disease she can spread it to others... live virus vaccines also can spread the disease to others in their shedding period, which can last up to 6 weeks
d) There is a chance that the vaccine won't even work, and my daughter will still catch those diseases
e) There is also the chance that my daughter, without vaccines, will never catch those diseases

These are just the basic answers to all the questions. I could go on an on about it, but most wouldn't want to read all of that, unless they were already in agreement with me.

In either case my daughter is at risk. In either case others around her are at risk. In either case there could be a negative or even downright awful outcome. However, I cannot stomach the thought of something happening to her because of something I chose to give her, without her consent. I CAN live with life happening, and if life throws measles at us, and she catches it, it was meant to happen. The chances are extremely low. But I'm not naive to the fact that it can happen.

In the end, just because I feel so strongly against vaccines does not mean she will never receive any. I may decide at some point, when her nervous system is more mature, that I feel okay with certain vaccines at that point. But right now, while her body is still immature, and even more so because she was born prematurely, I do not feel okay with injecting multiple viruses plus heavy toxins into her tiny little body when I can't even give her adult Tylenol. Or peanut butter.

Lastly, I would like to say that if you disagree with me, that is fine. Obviously if you disagree with me, that means I disagree with you also. However, please do not treat me like I'm illiterate, or a criminal because I've done my research and made an informed decision that feels like the right one for my family. I try not to treat those I disagree with in all ill-mannered way. That is the choice they've made for their family -- I don't try to tell them why they are making the wrong decision and they need to stop vaccinating their children immediately. But something that is important for everyone to understand is, that does not mean I will stop speaking about things that I find relevant or important. You don't have to read them. They are not for those who have differing opinions anyways. The things I share with people are for those who are interested in reading further about things that I also happen to want to read further about. Simply that. You don't have to feel like I'm trying to tell you you're wrong.

Ultimately we are all trying to do what we feel is best for our families -- shouldn't that be what matters?

Arwen: Two Week Update

Little Miss Arwen is two weeks old as of yesterday (Monday, December 1st). 

The good news is, she is much more alert these days. She is waking up early for feedings, and demanding food before her scheduled time to eat (which is good, she's getting feisty!).  And she is staying awake and alert more now. She is also eating more vigorously than she was before. These are all really good in the progress department! 

However, she is still not taking all of the fluid they want her to take for her feedings. So because of that, she is still in the NICU. 

Once again I am learning that it does no good to be impatient. Dwelling on how many days Arwen has been away from her family does not help her come home any faster, and only makes it more difficult for me. So I have been working on letting it go and not allowing myself to dwell on it. It's not easy, but it does help to just accept this as being our normal for the time being. I feel like that's the only way I made it almost 150 days in another state, sitting by Serenity's side while she lived in the NICU also -- training my brain to think of the situation as being the new normal. When I accept things as they are, I can feel myself relaxing a little bit. I'm still anxious for our baby girl to be home with us, don't get be wrong, but I'm able to make it through each day a little easier. 

I'm constantly reminded of the passage in James 1:2-4 

"2 Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." 

I don't like to lump our situation in with "trials", because when you've been through horrible experiences, some things just don't seem to compare on the same scale. However, this situation is stretching me nonetheless. And I have to remind myself that when I find myself in unpleasant situations, be joyful that it is an opportunity to grow as a person. 

Waiting and Waiting Some More

Waiting....

Waiting is not something I can brag about being able to do well. I am not a patient person. Just ask my husband. 

Waiting, as horrible as I am at it, is what I'm having to do currently. 

Our daughter was born 1 week and 4 days ago. Yet, she is still not home with us. After having one child who never got to make that hoped for trek from the hospital to home, I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to wait to make that anticipated short journey. 

The waiting seems to be taunting me as the NICU doctor told me today that our daughter looks absolutely perfect...... but that sometimes, some babies just take a little longer. And then have her talk about our daughter being "SO close" to going home. 

We have 2 out of 3 "go home" criteria met. All we are waiting on is to be able to take full feedings for about 24 hours. We keep getting on a roll... but before 24 hours is up, feeding status goes from "excellent" to "fair" or even, "not great". And then we find ourselves back at the starting line. Waiting. 

Arwen: One Week Old

Hello again blogging world. I decided to write an update since it's becoming increasingly more difficult to keep up with everyone asking about Arwen everyday. 

Speaking of Arwen, she is one week old today! This week has gone by quickly and slowly, all at the same time. I wish I could say that meant we would be bringing our baby girl home soon. But I can't say that. 

As far as how she is doing overall, she is great! She is a healthy baby girl. And for that we are so thankful! 

But being able to leave the hospital is not as simple as that, sometimes. Since Arwen was born so early, her body is still finishing developing. If she were still in the womb, she would be receiving everything she needs from me, without having to work for it. Mostly she would be sleeping. Which is exactly what she is doing now. Sleeping. The hard part is getting her to wake up enough to eat. Which at times, is actually impossible.  Her little body just gets worn out. So in order to make sure she is growing, and not losing weight or getting dehydrated,  we had to put in a feeding tube.  So now, if she is too tired to eat, she can still get fed without her having to exert any effort. 

This is really our main set back at the moment. Her blood sugar seems to be doing fine now, and she is doing very well holding her body temperature.  However, we are still going to keep her in an isolette for now. Moving her to a crib would require her to burn calories keeping her temperature regulated. And since we don't want her losing anymore weight, we are going to wait to make her work. Keeping her in the isolette allows her to keep growing without burning calories. 

So while it doesn't seem like a lot, it still means she will have to stay in the NICU. She won't be able to come home until she can hold her body temperature, is gaining weight everyday, and can take all of her feedings. Since she seems to be progressing at a turtle's pace, this could still mean a few weeks. But we won't know for certain. Arwen is the guide, we're just along for the ride. 

What Are The Odds?

Yesterday, November 17th, was World Prematurity Awareness Day.
Statistically, 1 in every 10 babies is born prematurely.
Yesterday, November 17th, was when our second daughter was born. Our second daughter born prematurely. That's 2 out of 3 babies. What are the odds? Apparently those odds are not in our favor.

However, Ryan and I are extremely elated with our second little princess. And are so blessed to have this little girl to call our own.
And while, yes, we have a preemie, we are able to be grateful she is not a micro-preemie.
And while yes, she is in a special care nursery, we are able to be grateful she is not in a high level NICU.
And while yes, she is having trouble keeping her body temperature up, we are grateful to be able to hold her without much restriction.
And while yes, she is having trouble keeping her blood sugar up on her own, we are able to be grateful that she can get help through an IV.
And while she is having trouble knowing how to eat, we are so blessed that she is ABLE to eat.

There are so many things with this little miracle that we have to be thankful for. She is beautiful and perfect. And while others may think I'm silly or may not understand, with this precious baby girl, I still here God whispering in my heart, "I took your first daughter to be with Me, but I'm giving you another -- Not to replace your first, but to fill your heart just the same. This is My gift to you. Here is your baby girl."

He Gives

Today was our big ultrasound, where we discovered that our home will be welcoming a beautiful baby girl in December, Lord willing!

From nearly the beginning of this pregnancy, I had a feeling this baby was a girl.  I even found myself accidentally saying "she" and "her" from time to time.  But part of me was afraid to allow myself the pleasure of fully anticipating a girl.  I would tell myself, 'Maybe you feel like you're still pregnant with Serenity, since the pregnancy was only half as long as it should have been.'  'Maybe you subconsciously feel like this baby is Serenity.'  I was afraid to really wish that my intuition was right, because what if it was wrong?  Of course I would love another boy.  I would love for Liam to have a little buddy to run and play with.  But my heart has longed for a girl ever since the moment I said goodbye to our first baby girl.

So, to find out from the ultrasound technician not once but three or four times that this baby is in fact a girl, was such a happy moment for me.  I told Ryan on the way home that my mind kept going to Job, in the Bible.  I kept thinking about how God allowed him to lose everything, including his children.  But then he restored everything back to him.  Giving him twice as many livestock as he had lost, and blessing him with the exact number of sons and daughters he had lost.  In a way, I sort of felt like Job.  God allowed for us to lose our daughter, but then he turned around and blessed us with another daughter.  I felt like God was saying, "Here is your baby girl. I love you."

It's been an emotional kind of day for me.  I miss my Serenity Hope more than words can express.  But I'm so thankful she is in no more pain.  That her body is so very perfect and whole.  And I'm so thankful that Liam will still get his little sister; and that hopefully, this time, we will get to bring our daughter home with us.

There's a Lot of Womb in My Heart

This morning was my appointment with the ultrasound technician, for her to take a closer look at what is going on with my uterus/uteri.

It didn't take her long, in fact, the moment she touched the ultrasound wand to my stomach she made a comment or two about, "Wow! There it is.  How in the world did they miss this before?  It's pretty out there and obvious...."

So, as she confirmed my uteri and began showing Ryan and I things we had never been shown before about my reproductive organ, we learned that I have a very textbook Bicornuate Uterus -- also sometimes referred to as a Heart Shaped Uterus.

So, in a nutshell, I have one cervix, that splits off into two uterus' (uteri).

Both sides are functioning.  In fact, after discussion, we believe Liam lived in my left uterus, and Serenity lived in the right.  This 3rd baby is now living in the right.  So far, there isn't a lot of concern of something going wrong.  Everything looks perfect on the ultrasound, but they will keep an eye on things.

Now, to clear up some things.  Apparently, I didn't explain myself well enough in the last update, and many people were thinking we are having twins.  So far, there is just one baby.  While it's not completely impossible to be pregnant in both uteri at the same time, it's extremely rare.  Where the confusion came in, I believe, is because of what the doctor was saying, that I talked about in my last blog, about the left uterus not being as far along.  There wasn't a baby there, the uterine lining was just gathered in preparation for pregnancy.  Most likely this was due to the pregnancy hormones in my body.  However, there is no baby growing in that uterus -- Just so we're all on the same page. :)

Our First Doctor Visit for Baby #3 and it was Interesting

Many of you know that Ryan and I are expecting our third child.  A nerve-wracking but exciting time.   While we are both so thankful, and so thrilled to be pregnant again, there are also fears and worries that want to creep up into our happy little minds.

Yesterday, was our first doctor visit.  The moment of truth.  This would tell us if the little pregnancy test stick was correct, and we are in fact having a baby.  Although, I would have been shocked and a little bit frustrated if the stick lied to me, since I've been experiencing, for the third time, nasty all-day morning sickness.

But we meet our new doctor, and get ready to see our little gummy bear on the big screen.  The doctor moved the camera around only a little before saying, "I think you're not as far along as you were thinking." After some questions, she began showing us, on the ultrasound, what appeared to be a clump of white, but explained that it was the lining of the uterus clumping together in preparation for the pregnancy.  So, according to the picture, the baby hadn't technically began growing just yet, but my body was preparing for it.  That was slightly, if not totally concerning.

Fears started to creep up.  What if this pregnancy was already failing and we didn't even know it yet? Something didn't seem right.  There should be a little baby there if everything was on track the way it was supposed to be.

The doctor did some more videoing with the ultrasound.  At which point a strange look came across her face, and she said, "Interesting."

Interesting??? "Good interesting, or bad interesting?"

And then I saw it on the screen.  The picture I had been looking for before. The dark spot with a little white baby in the middle.  I could see it's heartbeat!  But wait a minute.  "Am I having twins?!"

After some strange faces and chatter later, the doctor informed us that it appeared I have not one, but two Uteruses (Uteri).  Which is not completely uncommon, except that mine appeared to be pretty separate from each other, which is indeed pretty uncommon.

What in the world?!

After many questions from Ryan and I later, questions like, "Can I be pregnant in both Uteri?"

I now am set up for an ultrasound in two weeks with the ultrasound tech.  She will be doing more digging into this double Uterus thing, and hopefully be figuring out if there is any reason for concern.

So we would appreciate everyone's prayers.  After a very small amount of research, having Uteri can cause problems such as miscarriage and premature births, or it can cause no problems at all.  So we will see.  Right now I'm just along for the ride.  There doesn't seem to be much I can do about any of it at the moment.

But what a very strange doctor visit that was.  Very strange indeed.

He Gives and Takes Away, and Gives Some More

Last year was a tough one.  We were blessed with the pregnancy of our second child, a little sister for our toddler son.  Little did we know, that pregnancy would end quite differently than we had anticipated.  The daughter that we so longed for, would be taken to her true home with her Lord.  We know that is the better place for her, but it still didn't stop the hurt in our hearts.

The grieving process after the funeral was a roller coaster.  Much like the emotions we experienced during Serenity's NICU stay.  Some days weren't so bad, and we found ourselves laughing, happy, and rejoicing with others.  And then some days, weeks even, were very, very dark.  On those days, the world became shadowed, and nothing else seemed to matter or be important anymore.  It was a longer process for myself than it was for Ryan, working through the grief.  And I still don't think I'm fully on the other side of it.  But slowly and surely my Lord is healing my heart.  Slowly, surely, He is teaching me that the bottom line is coming to a place where I can trust Him completely, no matter what.

Throughout the process of grieving I found myself going back and forth between wanting to have another baby, and not feeling ready.  About a month and a half or two months ago, I stumbled across a picture of a baby girl who desperately needed adopted.  She was special needs.  But that didn't stop my heart from loving her right from the start.  My heart yearned for her.  Ryan had similar feelings, and we found ourselves filling out a pre-application for that baby girl.  What a weird, thrilling, scary place to be in!

Days and weeks went by, and we never heard back from the agency (which they said might happen, considering SO many people had inquired about the baby).  And as those weeks went on, I found myself hurting inside for a baby to call my own.  I felt ready, emotionally and mentally.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago, and I woke up from a dream.  I told Ryan, "I just had a dream that I was pregnant."  We both chuckled.  

Add in that the last week or so my emotions have been so strong.  And this past Sunday, Ryan and I had been having a discussion, and I mentioned I was PMSing.  To which he responded, "Or you're pregnant."  And we both chuckled, once again.

Adding that all together, and throughout our lunch on Sunday I kept thinking about the dream, and about what Ryan had said, and began to get more curious.  My next cycle wasn't due to start for another 3 days..... but, I decided to take the last home pregnancy text I had when we got home from lunch.  I'm sure I'm the only one who takes those things BEFORE they even miss their cycle.  ;)

The test was a ClearBlue digital.  And I tried to patiently wait as the little sand timer flashed on the screen.  I busied myself in the bathroom for a few more minutes so as not to drive myself mad waiting.  I looked at the test, and sure enough, "PREGNANT"!  I immediately burst into laughter.  Ryan, of course, had no idea what I was even doing.  So I show him the test, still laughing.  He didn't fully understand why it was so funny.  But to me, it was just funny.

Of course, Ryan made sure, over and over again, that I was "Okay".
I'm elated!  A little nervous--But so happy.

Our Lord gives and He takes away.... and then He gives some more.  <3

Trust

I was talking to a good friend recently about my frustrations with everything we've been through in the last year.  And telling this person how one of my main frustrations is not knowing why it all happened.  Why was my baby girl born early?  Why did she suffer through the duration of her life?  Why did she have to die in the end?  Why?  That is my main question.

And after venting my steam, and letting it all out, this person shared some trials from their own life, and then shared a thought with me.

The statement was, "I think the trials give us a chance to prove our faith is real--that we don't just trust God when everything is good but also when everything falls apart and doesn't make sense."

I may have heard this in some form or fashion at some point in the past several months, but not until this time was it profound to my ears.  Trusting God doesn't mean only when things are going great in our lives.  In fact, are we really even trusting Him if everything is going right?  Or are we just floating along the lazy river of life, basking in the comfort and good things that surround us?  I dare say, that when everything is going right, we may be guilty of not trusting God at all.

Although it may be a stretch, I am reminded of the bible study I am currently part of, on Gideon.  Gideon started out with 32,000 soldiers when he called them to battle against 135,000 Midianites.  That is, 4 Israelites to 1 Midianite.  While those aren't the best odds, the ratio still gave the Israelites some hope that they could defeat the Midianites.  However, God told Gideon he had too many soldiers.  And after it was all said and done, Gideon was left with only 300 men to fight against 135,000.  Those odds are 450:1.  That's a huge difference from 4:1.  At that point, the Israelites had no choice but to put their trust in God, that he would enable them to conquer the Midianites.

You see, before God dwindled down Gideon's army, he didn't fully need to trust in God.  His army may have been a little on the small side, but there was still a chance they could win.  However, after God shrunk the size of their army to an unthinkably small number, they had to put their trust in God.  There is no way they would have won on their own.

So, you see, it's kind of the same with our lives.  When we have enough resources to do things on our own, when we have all our ducks in a row, or when everything is going decently right, we have no need to trust God.  When everything is great, what is there to trust?  Our needs and wants are already being met.  But when things aren't going so great, and we have needs, wants, and hurts, we have to put our trust in something, in someONE, that things will get better, or that we will make it through.

I have no illusions that things will be "fixed".  We have a hole in our family.  That hole will always be there with Serenity's name on it.  But what I can look forward to, and what I can use to get through each day, is that I do have a God to put my trust in.  I have a Savior that promises to get me through the hard times.  I have a Lord who promises He will never leave me.  I have a Master who promises to strengthen me.

I may not have the answers to all of my questions, but I have faith that I can put my trust in God, my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I can trust Him that everything will be okay.  I can trust Him, that while my happiness may falter, joy will never leave me.  And knowing that my precious, beautiful baby girl is healed, whole, perfect, and worshipping her Creator, gives me peace that while our prayers may not have been answered in the way we had hoped, God heard our prayers, and He answered them.

Please Forgive Me

Hello again world.  It's been a little while.  In case anyone has been wondering, I have been putting off writing for a little while.  Mostly, because I simply don't know what to say.

As most of you know, our family fought a hard battle in 2013.  We witnessed the very premature birth of our daughter at only 24 weeks and 2 days gestation.  We sat by her side for 148 days (4 months and 24 days), and watched her fight for her life.  Then we held her close as we had to bear the pain of letting our little girl go.  Knowing that we would no longer be able to hold her.  Knowing we would no longer be able to sing to her.  Knowing we would no longer get to enjoy her beautiful face here on earth.  This is a kind of pain you can't know until you experience it.

But somehow, life has to move on.  Time keeps ticking.  Days continue to go by--With or without you.  The people around you go on about their business--Work, school, friends, celebrations.

 But there is something that gets left out, I believe.  Something people don't like to talk about.  And that is, while everyone around us has seen and heard the confidence we have in our daughters eternal future.  And while everyone has heard us talk of God's plan, and not understanding it right now, but knowing there is a purpose.  And while everyone knows all of those things that have been said.  Positive things.  Hope-filled things.  Encouraging things.  What they may not realize, is the pain from our daughter's death is so unbearably raw right now, that while we know, and say, and believe all of those things, it doesn't take away from the fact that our hearts hurt.  And I'm not talking about any old heartache.  I'm talking about, heart-wrenching, getting hit by a semi-truck, feeling like the life is being sucked out of your body,  as though you're dying but living through it.  That kind of pain.  The searing pain that gets worse everyday, not better.

And although I may not struggle quite as much with jealousy, I get punched in the gut every time I see a baby (especially a little girl).  I feel like I've had a knife stabbed into my heart every time I read a status about pregnancy or babies.  The pain is still very much there.  It hasn't dimmed over the passing weeks.  In fact, the pain grows stronger with each new incident.  I have to pep-talk myself into refraining from bolting from a room when someone starts talking about babies.  I have to put on a happy face for people when all I really want to do is burst into tears.

This is one of the most difficult places I have found myself in.  To have so many people I know either being pregnant or just had a baby.  I am truly so happy for every single person, and every single baby.  However, what people may not understand, is that while I may be happy for you, thrilled even, that does not keep the horrendous pain from welling up inside me.

That being said, I leave you with this:

Please forgive me if you make a comment about how little sleep you got last night, and I don't respond.
Because the only thought that comes to my mind is how badly I wish I had a little one keeping me up at night. 

Please forgive me if you talk about how ready you are to be over the morning sickness, and I don't respond in sympathy.
Because all I can think about is how not much longer after I wished away my sickness, life turned upside down. 

Please forgive me if you complain about not wanting to be pregnant anymore, or feeling huge and just want your baby to come, and I say nothing.
Because all I can think about is how very much I wish I could have been huge with my daughter, and been able to keep her safe in my belly until my skin burst open. 

Please forgive me for not googling over your baby, or seeming as overly ecstatic as everyone around you, or ignoring your baby altogether.
Because it's not personal.  It simply hurts too much.  

Please forgive me for not openly celebrating these moments with you for now--I try to make a genuine effort to show people the true happiness I feel for them, however, sometimes it's just too hard.  Maybe one day in the future I will be able to without pause.  But for now, the pain is much too unbearable.

Please just know that deep inside I am happy for you and your new bundle of joy.  But until a callous is built up around the exposed nerve that is my heart, I will protect it from the pain as much as I can.

"Insiders" living like "Outsiders"

1 Corinthians 5:9-13 (NLT)

"When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin. But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that. I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people.

It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, “You must remove the evil person from among you.”

This is the first time I have stopped to really meditate on this passage. I have read the the passage in Matthew that tells us how to handle church discipline, but I haven't exactly picked up on what these verses in 1 Corinthians are saying. I had to read it a few times, and will probably read it many more times. This is a tough pill to swallow. But, in order to obey God's Word to us, swallow it we must. However, I think it's worth noting, that (based off my own knowledge of scripture--not to say that my own wisdom in this is correct) these verses are referring to a Christian who is living a lifestyle of a non-believer. That is different from a Christian who falls into sin for a short time, repents, and turns back to Christ. Please recognize the difference. This passage is referring to someone living an unrepentant lifestyle that looks like the lifestyle of an unbeliever.

May we all strive to live what we claim. May our goal be to represent Christ in all areas of our lives. May we strive to live the life of a person fully surrendered to Christ. 

Study notes from HCSB Study Bible, written by:

F. Alan Tomlinson

Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary

Ph. D., Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary

5:10 Paul Corrected a mistaken perception that his administration in the letter (v.9) had prohibited them from mixing socially with non-believers (the immoral people of this world). He actually had meant not to mix with "insiders" who lived like "outsiders," believers who live like unbelievers. 

5:11 The Corinthian believers were not to mix with anyone who claims to be a believer and yet is sexually immoral, but they were also to avoid any professing believer who was greedy, an idolater or verbally abusive, a drunkard or a swindler. 

[HCSB reads, "verbally abusive" in v. 11]* 
To eat with such people could be taken as a sign of condoning their worldly lifestyle. The Pharisees had this same impression of Jesus but were mistaken (Mark 2:16-17). 

*side-note by me, not included in study notes.

2013

Today is the last day of 2013.  I suppose I should join the blogging world in posting a reflection of the past year.  Most everyone already knows what the majority of our year has looked like.  But just for the sake of reflection -- allow me to recap.

The year started off with a bang. Liam had contracted--what, at the time, we believe to be--Hand foot and Mouth Disease.  The more I've seen of this disease, the less I believe that is really what he had.  Regardless, I began my year by being stuck in the house nearly 24/7.  Although, I was still working hard to train for a 5k with one of my best friends.  I loved our morning runs.  I felt so good on our run morning because I was doing something I had always wanted to do, but hadn't had the motivation to follow through with.

In February, we found out we were pregnant with our second child.  Soon after finding out, the morning sickness hit full force.  At that point, the running came to a halt.  And multiple other normal activities ceased as I was once again confined to the house--and more specifically the bed or couch.

The morning sickness eventually simmered down, and things went back to normal.  And we found out that our newest addition to the family was going to be a girl!  We both were ecstatic.  And excited about getting to buy girly frills.

Next we began thinking about how we would spend the Fourth of July holiday.  And it was decided that we would spend the holiday with Ryan's family in Lansing, Michigan.  The week before our trip to Michigan, Ryan was at youth camp, and Liam and I spent that week with my parents.  After some concerning symptoms during that week, and after talking to the doctor, we decided to continue on with our plans to Lansing.

And as everyone knows, our Fourth of July vacation to Lansing ended up lasting nearly the rest of the year.  Our sweet little Serenity was born.  So teeny tiny.  So fragile.  So beautiful.  We were in shock. Neither of us really knew what to think or how to feel.  If you had asked us at the beginning of the year, we would never had guessed that we would give birth to our daughter at 24 weeks and 2 days gestation.

Nonetheless, it happened.  And there we were, in Lansing, Michigan, with a daughter the length of a ruler, that could easily and comfortably fit inside a cantaloupe.  We were living one of the most difficult battles a parent has to fight.  And the hours turned into days.  The days turned into weeks.  And the weeks turned into months.  In the beginning, looking out across the future, it felt like the journey we were on would last forever, and be painfully long.  But after awhile, Lansing became home, and the NICU became our life.  For 5 months, this was our life.  These people became our friends, our family.

Then, before we knew it, we had come to the end of our NICU roller coaster.  And although our roller coaster took a different path than most others, it was our path. It was unique to us.  It was special.  Serenity would not be coming home with us, but instead went to her eternal home.  Where she was not longer in pain and discomfort, and completely healed.

So now, with a new year, brings new beginnings.  Our family learns how to navigate our new normal.  We learn how to cope with the loss of our tiny daughter than never reached the size of a term baby, and who fought so hard for so long.  We learn how to trust God in everything, just as we have been learning this past year.  We learn how to give thanks in ALL things, because everything the Lord does is good.  Here's to a new year, and a new normal.