Hello again world. It's been a little while. In case anyone has been wondering, I have been putting off writing for a little while. Mostly, because I simply don't know what to say.
As most of you know, our family fought a hard battle in 2013. We witnessed the very premature birth of our daughter at only 24 weeks and 2 days gestation. We sat by her side for 148 days (4 months and 24 days), and watched her fight for her life. Then we held her close as we had to bear the pain of letting our little girl go. Knowing that we would no longer be able to hold her. Knowing we would no longer be able to sing to her. Knowing we would no longer get to enjoy her beautiful face here on earth. This is a kind of pain you can't know until you experience it.
But somehow, life has to move on. Time keeps ticking. Days continue to go by--With or without you. The people around you go on about their business--Work, school, friends, celebrations.
But there is something that gets left out, I believe. Something people don't like to talk about. And that is, while everyone around us has seen and heard the confidence we have in our daughters eternal future. And while everyone has heard us talk of God's plan, and not understanding it right now, but knowing there is a purpose. And while everyone knows all of those things that have been said. Positive things. Hope-filled things. Encouraging things. What they may not realize, is the pain from our daughter's death is so unbearably raw right now, that while we know, and say, and believe all of those things, it doesn't take away from the fact that our hearts hurt. And I'm not talking about any old heartache. I'm talking about, heart-wrenching, getting hit by a semi-truck, feeling like the life is being sucked out of your body, as though you're dying but living through it. That kind of pain. The searing pain that gets worse everyday, not better.
And although I may not struggle quite as much with jealousy, I get punched in the gut every time I see a baby (especially a little girl). I feel like I've had a knife stabbed into my heart every time I read a status about pregnancy or babies. The pain is still very much there. It hasn't dimmed over the passing weeks. In fact, the pain grows stronger with each new incident. I have to pep-talk myself into refraining from bolting from a room when someone starts talking about babies. I have to put on a happy face for people when all I really want to do is burst into tears.
This is one of the most difficult places I have found myself in. To have so many people I know either being pregnant or just had a baby. I am truly so happy for every single person, and every single baby. However, what people may not understand, is that while I may be happy for you, thrilled even, that does not keep the horrendous pain from welling up inside me.
That being said, I leave you with this:
Please forgive me if you make a comment about how little sleep you got last night, and I don't respond.
Because the only thought that comes to my mind is how badly I wish I had a little one keeping me up at night.
Please forgive me if you talk about how ready you are to be over the morning sickness, and I don't respond in sympathy.
Because all I can think about is how not much longer after I wished away my sickness, life turned upside down.
Please forgive me if you complain about not wanting to be pregnant anymore, or feeling huge and just want your baby to come, and I say nothing.
Because all I can think about is how very much I wish I could have been huge with my daughter, and been able to keep her safe in my belly until my skin burst open.
Please forgive me for not googling over your baby, or seeming as overly ecstatic as everyone around you, or ignoring your baby altogether.
Because it's not personal. It simply hurts too much.
Please forgive me for not openly celebrating these moments with you for now--I try to make a genuine effort to show people the true happiness I feel for them, however, sometimes it's just too hard. Maybe one day in the future I will be able to without pause. But for now, the pain is much too unbearable.
Please just know that deep inside I am happy for you and your new bundle of joy. But until a callous is built up around the exposed nerve that is my heart, I will protect it from the pain as much as I can.
