Remembering and Looking Ahead

Today feels odd to me. I don't know how else to explain it. Today is the anniversary of Serenity's death. I remember being very sad on this day last year. This year, I haven't come to that point yet. I'm sure at some point today, I'll go over the memories and images in my mind of what it was like holding our baby girl, almost 5 months old but still very tiny, as she took her last breaths. And then I'm sure the pain will come. But for now, it hasn't. God has brought me a long way on that journey. And I know that it wasn't for nothing.

I was thinking this morning how, if we had never gone through what we did with Serenity, every pregnancy and delivery we've had afterwards would have been a million times more difficult. Going through the worst thing I think a parent can experience, for me, has helped most other things not seem as bad. I'm sure some people have even thought I have been calloused about certain things, but when you've lived the NICU scene with a micro preemie for almost 5 months, watching that baby knock on death's door multiple times, pull through each time, only to watch that child knock on that door for the final time, and actually enter through it, it changes you. I seem to want to compare everything to that experience. And when I do, most other things don't seem nearly as bad. But, there is still an element of fear there. I haven't been professionally diagnosed, but at certain times I feel as though I still suffer from some post traumatic stress. There have been some medical decisions with our children that have paralyzed me, where I wasn't paralyzed before. So there is still fear that creeps up, it just presents itself in ways I don't expect.

With Ava, I was worried. I didn't know what to expect with her. We had never gone through an Rh-sensitized pregnancy before that. But God brought us and Ava through it unscathed. And I'm extremely thankful for that.

This pregnancy presents more concern. Every doctor has told us that the issue worsens with each pregnancy. But we really have no idea what to expect. The thing that is most difficult for me in all of this, I think, is the fact that my own body, the body that is supposed to protect and grow this beautiful child, bringing it life, is instead trying to suck the life from it. That's a hard thing for me to deal with. That the child I want so badly to protect, is being attacked by my body as if it were a virus, a disease.

However, what I know without a shadow of a doubt, is this tiny human was meant to have life. Medically speaking, this child is impossible. But God has bigger plans. What those plans are, I have no idea. Serenity's life would not have been what I had planned. But I know that we all have a purpose in this life, and she fulfilled her purpose, so she got to go Home. And I know part of her purpose was to prepare us for this pregnancy. So we would remember how to trust God fully, and put our hope in Him above all else, bringing Him all the glory He so deserves.

In remembering Serenity today, and her purpose, and thinking about this baby's purpose, I am left with this passage. Soak in its beauty. Before these children were even conceived (when they were formless), God saw them, and He knew exactly what each day of their lives would look like.

"For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth.Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began."                                                     -Psalm 139:13-16

Rejoice Always

There has been a topic come up several times in the past week or so. And that is about suffering. But the reminder that suffering is not just suffering. There is purpose in our suffering, it is not meaningless. Suffering is something that is going to produce growth in us if we allow it, and we are commanded to rejoice  in our trials.

I've always known this. That we are supposed to find great joy in our trials and suffering because of the growth in our faith that comes from it, and because of God's glory being revealed. And I had even come to a point of not trying to wish away our suffering during our trial with Serenity, although I don't feel I did a very good job of that. But I began this new journey, with our surprise baby, with fears, doubts, all of the above. I know how dangerous this pregnancy has a potential of being. I know how scary that could be. But I've been being challenged to rejoice in this. I don't know exactly how to do that other than to be happy for this baby, which I am! And to thank God for this new life, which I do! And to find my complete rest and peace in my Lord, which I'm well on my way to doing -- but will have to be diligent to keep myself from looking in other directions for peace and comfort, and not allowing the fears to creep up and take over.

We humans have a natural tendency to complain about anything that disrupts our plan, or becomes inconvenient, or causes us discomfort in any way. But my prayer is that God show me how to NOT do that. I'm a complainer. I probably complain more than the average person. I really need to work on it.

So pray for me as I learn how to "Rejoice always, and Give thanks in everything (for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus)."1 Thessalonians 5:16, 18

James 1:2-4
Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.

Road Trip

It's been a few days since we learned of our surprise pregnancy. I still can't say for sure how I feel. I called my OB this morning to set up my first appoint. I actually was transferred to her by the receptionist to speak to my OB directly. It made me feel good that after a little bit of a chuckle as she came on the line, her very next words were checking on me to see how I was feeling about the pregnancy. I love that my doctor cares about her patients physically, but also emotionally and mentally as well. My words to her were that I was shocked, but that I was okay, and know that everything will be alright.

Now, that was a condensed version, partly leaving out some things. That is ultimately how I feel. But I'm still navigating this territory. I do feel a little lost. My mind and heart had settled in and put in stakes in the land of Ava being my last baby. I've been enjoying so much of her because I've wanted to hold onto every last drop of this age. But now, now I have to uproot my heart and mind and take the long, 9 (but we all know it's really 10) month road trip back to new baby land. It's a good thing it takes that long to get there, to give ourselves enough time to get acclimated.

I know that this new chapter will be full of unknowns, some of those scary. But ultimately, my hope rests in the Lord. Even if it does take my heart and mind a little bit to get to where I will set up camp for the next while.


Psalm 62:5-8
"Rest in God alone, my soul,
for my hope comes from Him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock.
My refuge is in God.
8 Trust in Him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts before Him.
God is our refuge. Selah"

Road Trip

It's been a few days since we learned of our surprise pregnancy. I still can't say for sure how I feel. I called my OB this morning to set up my first appoint. I actually was transferred to her by the receptionist to speak to my OB directly. It made me feel good that after a little bit of a chuckle as she came on the line, her very next words were checking on me to see how I was feeling about the pregnancy. I love that my doctor cares about her patients in a physically, but also emotionally and mentally as well. My words to her were that I was shocked, but that I was okay, and know that everything will be alright.

Now, that was a condensed version, partly leaving out some things. That is ultimately how I feel. But I'm still navigating this territory. I do feel a little lost. My mind and heart had settled in and put in stakes in the land of Ava being my last baby. I've been enjoying so much of her because I've wanted to hold onto every last drop of this age. But now, now I have to uproot my heart and mind and take the long, 9 (but we all know it's really 10) month road trip back to new baby land. It's a good thing it takes that long to get there, to give ourselves enough time to get acclimated.

I know that this new chapter will be full of unknowns, some of those scary. But ultimately, my hope rests in the Lord. Even if it does take my heart and mind a little bit to get to where I will set up camp for the next while.


Psalm 62:5-8
"Rest in God alone, my soul,
for my hope comes from Him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock.
My refuge is in God.
8 Trust in Him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts before Him.
God is our refuge. Selah"

Surprise!

Well... Here I am again, writing on this blog that has brought us through so much. And I have more to add to the story.

Let me start with explaining, many people did not know that my pregnancy with Ava was scary for us. I don't know why I didn't share with the world, but I didn't. Somehow between Arwen's birth and getting pregnant with Ava, by blood became Rh sensitized. What this means isthat my blood now has antibodies that attack any baby I get pregnant with that has Rh positive blood. I had to go to many high risk appointments and my mind was swirling with when I was supposed to be where, as my appointments were at multiple locations, with multiple doctors.

Thankfully, God protected our little Ava all the way through the pregnancy, and she was born happy and healthy!

During that pregnancy my OB has suggested that we consider not having anymore children. She told us she does not normally tell people that, but in our case, she felt it was important to recommend to us. As things would get more and more dangerous with each pregnancy after. So, Ryan took medical measures to prevent any future pregnancies. We followed the post-procedure protocol. Ryan had his post-procedure check up. And we were given the "All Clear" from the urologist. We could now breathe easy. No more pregnancies to worry about.

Fast forward about a month. And well.... surprise! We're pregnant! Wait, WHAT??!!!!

I track everything on a calendar and started looking back at it. Sure enough, we have gotten pregnant after the "all clear" was given.

So now we need to ask for prayer. Lots of prayer. This pregnancy will be more dangerous for the baby than it was for Ava. As my pregnancy with Ava started out with a small amount of antibodies, that only went up a little bit throughout the pregnancy. And this pregnancy, the antibodies will be starting off with the amount Ava left off with. So there will be more there to start, and they will gain number throughout the pregnancy. These antibodies see the baby's blood as a virus. A threat. And therefore, will begin attacking the baby as if it were a disease needing to be gotten rid of. Our main concern is anemia. If the baby becomes too anemic during the pregnancy, they will have to give blood transfusions through my stomach -- which scares the living daylights out of me. Anyone who knows me, knows my relationship with needles. I had a similar procedure when I was in labor with Serenity, where they stuck a similar needle into my stomach to test the amniotic fluid. They said they had been told it felt like getting your funny bone hit. Let me tell you.... they lied.

I have also had Preeclampsia in one of my pregnancies, making me more likely to get it again. So please pray.

It's very likely that I will be keeping up with the blog once again as we go through this pregnancy.  I don't know why God saw fit for us to go through another scary time with another child, but He obviously did. I have no doubt He has a plan for this child. And I have no doubt that He has a plan for us with all of this.


James 1:2-4
"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing."

Psalm 139:16
"Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began."