Arwen: Two Week Update

Little Miss Arwen is two weeks old as of yesterday (Monday, December 1st). 

The good news is, she is much more alert these days. She is waking up early for feedings, and demanding food before her scheduled time to eat (which is good, she's getting feisty!).  And she is staying awake and alert more now. She is also eating more vigorously than she was before. These are all really good in the progress department! 

However, she is still not taking all of the fluid they want her to take for her feedings. So because of that, she is still in the NICU. 

Once again I am learning that it does no good to be impatient. Dwelling on how many days Arwen has been away from her family does not help her come home any faster, and only makes it more difficult for me. So I have been working on letting it go and not allowing myself to dwell on it. It's not easy, but it does help to just accept this as being our normal for the time being. I feel like that's the only way I made it almost 150 days in another state, sitting by Serenity's side while she lived in the NICU also -- training my brain to think of the situation as being the new normal. When I accept things as they are, I can feel myself relaxing a little bit. I'm still anxious for our baby girl to be home with us, don't get be wrong, but I'm able to make it through each day a little easier. 

I'm constantly reminded of the passage in James 1:2-4 

"2 Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." 

I don't like to lump our situation in with "trials", because when you've been through horrible experiences, some things just don't seem to compare on the same scale. However, this situation is stretching me nonetheless. And I have to remind myself that when I find myself in unpleasant situations, be joyful that it is an opportunity to grow as a person. 

Waiting and Waiting Some More

Waiting....

Waiting is not something I can brag about being able to do well. I am not a patient person. Just ask my husband. 

Waiting, as horrible as I am at it, is what I'm having to do currently. 

Our daughter was born 1 week and 4 days ago. Yet, she is still not home with us. After having one child who never got to make that hoped for trek from the hospital to home, I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to wait to make that anticipated short journey. 

The waiting seems to be taunting me as the NICU doctor told me today that our daughter looks absolutely perfect...... but that sometimes, some babies just take a little longer. And then have her talk about our daughter being "SO close" to going home. 

We have 2 out of 3 "go home" criteria met. All we are waiting on is to be able to take full feedings for about 24 hours. We keep getting on a roll... but before 24 hours is up, feeding status goes from "excellent" to "fair" or even, "not great". And then we find ourselves back at the starting line. Waiting. 

Arwen: One Week Old

Hello again blogging world. I decided to write an update since it's becoming increasingly more difficult to keep up with everyone asking about Arwen everyday. 

Speaking of Arwen, she is one week old today! This week has gone by quickly and slowly, all at the same time. I wish I could say that meant we would be bringing our baby girl home soon. But I can't say that. 

As far as how she is doing overall, she is great! She is a healthy baby girl. And for that we are so thankful! 

But being able to leave the hospital is not as simple as that, sometimes. Since Arwen was born so early, her body is still finishing developing. If she were still in the womb, she would be receiving everything she needs from me, without having to work for it. Mostly she would be sleeping. Which is exactly what she is doing now. Sleeping. The hard part is getting her to wake up enough to eat. Which at times, is actually impossible.  Her little body just gets worn out. So in order to make sure she is growing, and not losing weight or getting dehydrated,  we had to put in a feeding tube.  So now, if she is too tired to eat, she can still get fed without her having to exert any effort. 

This is really our main set back at the moment. Her blood sugar seems to be doing fine now, and she is doing very well holding her body temperature.  However, we are still going to keep her in an isolette for now. Moving her to a crib would require her to burn calories keeping her temperature regulated. And since we don't want her losing anymore weight, we are going to wait to make her work. Keeping her in the isolette allows her to keep growing without burning calories. 

So while it doesn't seem like a lot, it still means she will have to stay in the NICU. She won't be able to come home until she can hold her body temperature, is gaining weight everyday, and can take all of her feedings. Since she seems to be progressing at a turtle's pace, this could still mean a few weeks. But we won't know for certain. Arwen is the guide, we're just along for the ride. 

What Are The Odds?

Yesterday, November 17th, was World Prematurity Awareness Day.
Statistically, 1 in every 10 babies is born prematurely.
Yesterday, November 17th, was when our second daughter was born. Our second daughter born prematurely. That's 2 out of 3 babies. What are the odds? Apparently those odds are not in our favor.

However, Ryan and I are extremely elated with our second little princess. And are so blessed to have this little girl to call our own.
And while, yes, we have a preemie, we are able to be grateful she is not a micro-preemie.
And while yes, she is in a special care nursery, we are able to be grateful she is not in a high level NICU.
And while yes, she is having trouble keeping her body temperature up, we are grateful to be able to hold her without much restriction.
And while yes, she is having trouble keeping her blood sugar up on her own, we are able to be grateful that she can get help through an IV.
And while she is having trouble knowing how to eat, we are so blessed that she is ABLE to eat.

There are so many things with this little miracle that we have to be thankful for. She is beautiful and perfect. And while others may think I'm silly or may not understand, with this precious baby girl, I still here God whispering in my heart, "I took your first daughter to be with Me, but I'm giving you another -- Not to replace your first, but to fill your heart just the same. This is My gift to you. Here is your baby girl."

He Gives

Today was our big ultrasound, where we discovered that our home will be welcoming a beautiful baby girl in December, Lord willing!

From nearly the beginning of this pregnancy, I had a feeling this baby was a girl.  I even found myself accidentally saying "she" and "her" from time to time.  But part of me was afraid to allow myself the pleasure of fully anticipating a girl.  I would tell myself, 'Maybe you feel like you're still pregnant with Serenity, since the pregnancy was only half as long as it should have been.'  'Maybe you subconsciously feel like this baby is Serenity.'  I was afraid to really wish that my intuition was right, because what if it was wrong?  Of course I would love another boy.  I would love for Liam to have a little buddy to run and play with.  But my heart has longed for a girl ever since the moment I said goodbye to our first baby girl.

So, to find out from the ultrasound technician not once but three or four times that this baby is in fact a girl, was such a happy moment for me.  I told Ryan on the way home that my mind kept going to Job, in the Bible.  I kept thinking about how God allowed him to lose everything, including his children.  But then he restored everything back to him.  Giving him twice as many livestock as he had lost, and blessing him with the exact number of sons and daughters he had lost.  In a way, I sort of felt like Job.  God allowed for us to lose our daughter, but then he turned around and blessed us with another daughter.  I felt like God was saying, "Here is your baby girl. I love you."

It's been an emotional kind of day for me.  I miss my Serenity Hope more than words can express.  But I'm so thankful she is in no more pain.  That her body is so very perfect and whole.  And I'm so thankful that Liam will still get his little sister; and that hopefully, this time, we will get to bring our daughter home with us.

There's a Lot of Womb in My Heart

This morning was my appointment with the ultrasound technician, for her to take a closer look at what is going on with my uterus/uteri.

It didn't take her long, in fact, the moment she touched the ultrasound wand to my stomach she made a comment or two about, "Wow! There it is.  How in the world did they miss this before?  It's pretty out there and obvious...."

So, as she confirmed my uteri and began showing Ryan and I things we had never been shown before about my reproductive organ, we learned that I have a very textbook Bicornuate Uterus -- also sometimes referred to as a Heart Shaped Uterus.

So, in a nutshell, I have one cervix, that splits off into two uterus' (uteri).

Both sides are functioning.  In fact, after discussion, we believe Liam lived in my left uterus, and Serenity lived in the right.  This 3rd baby is now living in the right.  So far, there isn't a lot of concern of something going wrong.  Everything looks perfect on the ultrasound, but they will keep an eye on things.

Now, to clear up some things.  Apparently, I didn't explain myself well enough in the last update, and many people were thinking we are having twins.  So far, there is just one baby.  While it's not completely impossible to be pregnant in both uteri at the same time, it's extremely rare.  Where the confusion came in, I believe, is because of what the doctor was saying, that I talked about in my last blog, about the left uterus not being as far along.  There wasn't a baby there, the uterine lining was just gathered in preparation for pregnancy.  Most likely this was due to the pregnancy hormones in my body.  However, there is no baby growing in that uterus -- Just so we're all on the same page. :)

Our First Doctor Visit for Baby #3 and it was Interesting

Many of you know that Ryan and I are expecting our third child.  A nerve-wracking but exciting time.   While we are both so thankful, and so thrilled to be pregnant again, there are also fears and worries that want to creep up into our happy little minds.

Yesterday, was our first doctor visit.  The moment of truth.  This would tell us if the little pregnancy test stick was correct, and we are in fact having a baby.  Although, I would have been shocked and a little bit frustrated if the stick lied to me, since I've been experiencing, for the third time, nasty all-day morning sickness.

But we meet our new doctor, and get ready to see our little gummy bear on the big screen.  The doctor moved the camera around only a little before saying, "I think you're not as far along as you were thinking." After some questions, she began showing us, on the ultrasound, what appeared to be a clump of white, but explained that it was the lining of the uterus clumping together in preparation for the pregnancy.  So, according to the picture, the baby hadn't technically began growing just yet, but my body was preparing for it.  That was slightly, if not totally concerning.

Fears started to creep up.  What if this pregnancy was already failing and we didn't even know it yet? Something didn't seem right.  There should be a little baby there if everything was on track the way it was supposed to be.

The doctor did some more videoing with the ultrasound.  At which point a strange look came across her face, and she said, "Interesting."

Interesting??? "Good interesting, or bad interesting?"

And then I saw it on the screen.  The picture I had been looking for before. The dark spot with a little white baby in the middle.  I could see it's heartbeat!  But wait a minute.  "Am I having twins?!"

After some strange faces and chatter later, the doctor informed us that it appeared I have not one, but two Uteruses (Uteri).  Which is not completely uncommon, except that mine appeared to be pretty separate from each other, which is indeed pretty uncommon.

What in the world?!

After many questions from Ryan and I later, questions like, "Can I be pregnant in both Uteri?"

I now am set up for an ultrasound in two weeks with the ultrasound tech.  She will be doing more digging into this double Uterus thing, and hopefully be figuring out if there is any reason for concern.

So we would appreciate everyone's prayers.  After a very small amount of research, having Uteri can cause problems such as miscarriage and premature births, or it can cause no problems at all.  So we will see.  Right now I'm just along for the ride.  There doesn't seem to be much I can do about any of it at the moment.

But what a very strange doctor visit that was.  Very strange indeed.

He Gives and Takes Away, and Gives Some More

Last year was a tough one.  We were blessed with the pregnancy of our second child, a little sister for our toddler son.  Little did we know, that pregnancy would end quite differently than we had anticipated.  The daughter that we so longed for, would be taken to her true home with her Lord.  We know that is the better place for her, but it still didn't stop the hurt in our hearts.

The grieving process after the funeral was a roller coaster.  Much like the emotions we experienced during Serenity's NICU stay.  Some days weren't so bad, and we found ourselves laughing, happy, and rejoicing with others.  And then some days, weeks even, were very, very dark.  On those days, the world became shadowed, and nothing else seemed to matter or be important anymore.  It was a longer process for myself than it was for Ryan, working through the grief.  And I still don't think I'm fully on the other side of it.  But slowly and surely my Lord is healing my heart.  Slowly, surely, He is teaching me that the bottom line is coming to a place where I can trust Him completely, no matter what.

Throughout the process of grieving I found myself going back and forth between wanting to have another baby, and not feeling ready.  About a month and a half or two months ago, I stumbled across a picture of a baby girl who desperately needed adopted.  She was special needs.  But that didn't stop my heart from loving her right from the start.  My heart yearned for her.  Ryan had similar feelings, and we found ourselves filling out a pre-application for that baby girl.  What a weird, thrilling, scary place to be in!

Days and weeks went by, and we never heard back from the agency (which they said might happen, considering SO many people had inquired about the baby).  And as those weeks went on, I found myself hurting inside for a baby to call my own.  I felt ready, emotionally and mentally.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago, and I woke up from a dream.  I told Ryan, "I just had a dream that I was pregnant."  We both chuckled.  

Add in that the last week or so my emotions have been so strong.  And this past Sunday, Ryan and I had been having a discussion, and I mentioned I was PMSing.  To which he responded, "Or you're pregnant."  And we both chuckled, once again.

Adding that all together, and throughout our lunch on Sunday I kept thinking about the dream, and about what Ryan had said, and began to get more curious.  My next cycle wasn't due to start for another 3 days..... but, I decided to take the last home pregnancy text I had when we got home from lunch.  I'm sure I'm the only one who takes those things BEFORE they even miss their cycle.  ;)

The test was a ClearBlue digital.  And I tried to patiently wait as the little sand timer flashed on the screen.  I busied myself in the bathroom for a few more minutes so as not to drive myself mad waiting.  I looked at the test, and sure enough, "PREGNANT"!  I immediately burst into laughter.  Ryan, of course, had no idea what I was even doing.  So I show him the test, still laughing.  He didn't fully understand why it was so funny.  But to me, it was just funny.

Of course, Ryan made sure, over and over again, that I was "Okay".
I'm elated!  A little nervous--But so happy.

Our Lord gives and He takes away.... and then He gives some more.  <3

Trust

I was talking to a good friend recently about my frustrations with everything we've been through in the last year.  And telling this person how one of my main frustrations is not knowing why it all happened.  Why was my baby girl born early?  Why did she suffer through the duration of her life?  Why did she have to die in the end?  Why?  That is my main question.

And after venting my steam, and letting it all out, this person shared some trials from their own life, and then shared a thought with me.

The statement was, "I think the trials give us a chance to prove our faith is real--that we don't just trust God when everything is good but also when everything falls apart and doesn't make sense."

I may have heard this in some form or fashion at some point in the past several months, but not until this time was it profound to my ears.  Trusting God doesn't mean only when things are going great in our lives.  In fact, are we really even trusting Him if everything is going right?  Or are we just floating along the lazy river of life, basking in the comfort and good things that surround us?  I dare say, that when everything is going right, we may be guilty of not trusting God at all.

Although it may be a stretch, I am reminded of the bible study I am currently part of, on Gideon.  Gideon started out with 32,000 soldiers when he called them to battle against 135,000 Midianites.  That is, 4 Israelites to 1 Midianite.  While those aren't the best odds, the ratio still gave the Israelites some hope that they could defeat the Midianites.  However, God told Gideon he had too many soldiers.  And after it was all said and done, Gideon was left with only 300 men to fight against 135,000.  Those odds are 450:1.  That's a huge difference from 4:1.  At that point, the Israelites had no choice but to put their trust in God, that he would enable them to conquer the Midianites.

You see, before God dwindled down Gideon's army, he didn't fully need to trust in God.  His army may have been a little on the small side, but there was still a chance they could win.  However, after God shrunk the size of their army to an unthinkably small number, they had to put their trust in God.  There is no way they would have won on their own.

So, you see, it's kind of the same with our lives.  When we have enough resources to do things on our own, when we have all our ducks in a row, or when everything is going decently right, we have no need to trust God.  When everything is great, what is there to trust?  Our needs and wants are already being met.  But when things aren't going so great, and we have needs, wants, and hurts, we have to put our trust in something, in someONE, that things will get better, or that we will make it through.

I have no illusions that things will be "fixed".  We have a hole in our family.  That hole will always be there with Serenity's name on it.  But what I can look forward to, and what I can use to get through each day, is that I do have a God to put my trust in.  I have a Savior that promises to get me through the hard times.  I have a Lord who promises He will never leave me.  I have a Master who promises to strengthen me.

I may not have the answers to all of my questions, but I have faith that I can put my trust in God, my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I can trust Him that everything will be okay.  I can trust Him, that while my happiness may falter, joy will never leave me.  And knowing that my precious, beautiful baby girl is healed, whole, perfect, and worshipping her Creator, gives me peace that while our prayers may not have been answered in the way we had hoped, God heard our prayers, and He answered them.

Please Forgive Me

Hello again world.  It's been a little while.  In case anyone has been wondering, I have been putting off writing for a little while.  Mostly, because I simply don't know what to say.

As most of you know, our family fought a hard battle in 2013.  We witnessed the very premature birth of our daughter at only 24 weeks and 2 days gestation.  We sat by her side for 148 days (4 months and 24 days), and watched her fight for her life.  Then we held her close as we had to bear the pain of letting our little girl go.  Knowing that we would no longer be able to hold her.  Knowing we would no longer be able to sing to her.  Knowing we would no longer get to enjoy her beautiful face here on earth.  This is a kind of pain you can't know until you experience it.

But somehow, life has to move on.  Time keeps ticking.  Days continue to go by--With or without you.  The people around you go on about their business--Work, school, friends, celebrations.

 But there is something that gets left out, I believe.  Something people don't like to talk about.  And that is, while everyone around us has seen and heard the confidence we have in our daughters eternal future.  And while everyone has heard us talk of God's plan, and not understanding it right now, but knowing there is a purpose.  And while everyone knows all of those things that have been said.  Positive things.  Hope-filled things.  Encouraging things.  What they may not realize, is the pain from our daughter's death is so unbearably raw right now, that while we know, and say, and believe all of those things, it doesn't take away from the fact that our hearts hurt.  And I'm not talking about any old heartache.  I'm talking about, heart-wrenching, getting hit by a semi-truck, feeling like the life is being sucked out of your body,  as though you're dying but living through it.  That kind of pain.  The searing pain that gets worse everyday, not better.

And although I may not struggle quite as much with jealousy, I get punched in the gut every time I see a baby (especially a little girl).  I feel like I've had a knife stabbed into my heart every time I read a status about pregnancy or babies.  The pain is still very much there.  It hasn't dimmed over the passing weeks.  In fact, the pain grows stronger with each new incident.  I have to pep-talk myself into refraining from bolting from a room when someone starts talking about babies.  I have to put on a happy face for people when all I really want to do is burst into tears.

This is one of the most difficult places I have found myself in.  To have so many people I know either being pregnant or just had a baby.  I am truly so happy for every single person, and every single baby.  However, what people may not understand, is that while I may be happy for you, thrilled even, that does not keep the horrendous pain from welling up inside me.

That being said, I leave you with this:

Please forgive me if you make a comment about how little sleep you got last night, and I don't respond.
Because the only thought that comes to my mind is how badly I wish I had a little one keeping me up at night. 

Please forgive me if you talk about how ready you are to be over the morning sickness, and I don't respond in sympathy.
Because all I can think about is how not much longer after I wished away my sickness, life turned upside down. 

Please forgive me if you complain about not wanting to be pregnant anymore, or feeling huge and just want your baby to come, and I say nothing.
Because all I can think about is how very much I wish I could have been huge with my daughter, and been able to keep her safe in my belly until my skin burst open. 

Please forgive me for not googling over your baby, or seeming as overly ecstatic as everyone around you, or ignoring your baby altogether.
Because it's not personal.  It simply hurts too much.  

Please forgive me for not openly celebrating these moments with you for now--I try to make a genuine effort to show people the true happiness I feel for them, however, sometimes it's just too hard.  Maybe one day in the future I will be able to without pause.  But for now, the pain is much too unbearable.

Please just know that deep inside I am happy for you and your new bundle of joy.  But until a callous is built up around the exposed nerve that is my heart, I will protect it from the pain as much as I can.

"Insiders" living like "Outsiders"

1 Corinthians 5:9-13 (NLT)

"When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin. But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that. I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people.

It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, “You must remove the evil person from among you.”

This is the first time I have stopped to really meditate on this passage. I have read the the passage in Matthew that tells us how to handle church discipline, but I haven't exactly picked up on what these verses in 1 Corinthians are saying. I had to read it a few times, and will probably read it many more times. This is a tough pill to swallow. But, in order to obey God's Word to us, swallow it we must. However, I think it's worth noting, that (based off my own knowledge of scripture--not to say that my own wisdom in this is correct) these verses are referring to a Christian who is living a lifestyle of a non-believer. That is different from a Christian who falls into sin for a short time, repents, and turns back to Christ. Please recognize the difference. This passage is referring to someone living an unrepentant lifestyle that looks like the lifestyle of an unbeliever.

May we all strive to live what we claim. May our goal be to represent Christ in all areas of our lives. May we strive to live the life of a person fully surrendered to Christ. 

Study notes from HCSB Study Bible, written by:

F. Alan Tomlinson

Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary

Ph. D., Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary

5:10 Paul Corrected a mistaken perception that his administration in the letter (v.9) had prohibited them from mixing socially with non-believers (the immoral people of this world). He actually had meant not to mix with "insiders" who lived like "outsiders," believers who live like unbelievers. 

5:11 The Corinthian believers were not to mix with anyone who claims to be a believer and yet is sexually immoral, but they were also to avoid any professing believer who was greedy, an idolater or verbally abusive, a drunkard or a swindler. 

[HCSB reads, "verbally abusive" in v. 11]* 
To eat with such people could be taken as a sign of condoning their worldly lifestyle. The Pharisees had this same impression of Jesus but were mistaken (Mark 2:16-17). 

*side-note by me, not included in study notes.