I was thinking this morning how, if we had never gone through what we did with Serenity, every pregnancy and delivery we've had afterwards would have been a million times more difficult. Going through the worst thing I think a parent can experience, for me, has helped most other things not seem as bad. I'm sure some people have even thought I have been calloused about certain things, but when you've lived the NICU scene with a micro preemie for almost 5 months, watching that baby knock on death's door multiple times, pull through each time, only to watch that child knock on that door for the final time, and actually enter through it, it changes you. I seem to want to compare everything to that experience. And when I do, most other things don't seem nearly as bad. But, there is still an element of fear there. I haven't been professionally diagnosed, but at certain times I feel as though I still suffer from some post traumatic stress. There have been some medical decisions with our children that have paralyzed me, where I wasn't paralyzed before. So there is still fear that creeps up, it just presents itself in ways I don't expect.
With Ava, I was worried. I didn't know what to expect with her. We had never gone through an Rh-sensitized pregnancy before that. But God brought us and Ava through it unscathed. And I'm extremely thankful for that.
This pregnancy presents more concern. Every doctor has told us that the issue worsens with each pregnancy. But we really have no idea what to expect. The thing that is most difficult for me in all of this, I think, is the fact that my own body, the body that is supposed to protect and grow this beautiful child, bringing it life, is instead trying to suck the life from it. That's a hard thing for me to deal with. That the child I want so badly to protect, is being attacked by my body as if it were a virus, a disease.
However, what I know without a shadow of a doubt, is this tiny human was meant to have life. Medically speaking, this child is impossible. But God has bigger plans. What those plans are, I have no idea. Serenity's life would not have been what I had planned. But I know that we all have a purpose in this life, and she fulfilled her purpose, so she got to go Home. And I know part of her purpose was to prepare us for this pregnancy. So we would remember how to trust God fully, and put our hope in Him above all else, bringing Him all the glory He so deserves.
In remembering Serenity today, and her purpose, and thinking about this baby's purpose, I am left with this passage. Soak in its beauty. Before these children were even conceived (when they were formless), God saw them, and He knew exactly what each day of their lives would look like.
"For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth.Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began." -Psalm 139:13-16
