He Gives and Takes Away, and Gives Some More

Last year was a tough one.  We were blessed with the pregnancy of our second child, a little sister for our toddler son.  Little did we know, that pregnancy would end quite differently than we had anticipated.  The daughter that we so longed for, would be taken to her true home with her Lord.  We know that is the better place for her, but it still didn't stop the hurt in our hearts.

The grieving process after the funeral was a roller coaster.  Much like the emotions we experienced during Serenity's NICU stay.  Some days weren't so bad, and we found ourselves laughing, happy, and rejoicing with others.  And then some days, weeks even, were very, very dark.  On those days, the world became shadowed, and nothing else seemed to matter or be important anymore.  It was a longer process for myself than it was for Ryan, working through the grief.  And I still don't think I'm fully on the other side of it.  But slowly and surely my Lord is healing my heart.  Slowly, surely, He is teaching me that the bottom line is coming to a place where I can trust Him completely, no matter what.

Throughout the process of grieving I found myself going back and forth between wanting to have another baby, and not feeling ready.  About a month and a half or two months ago, I stumbled across a picture of a baby girl who desperately needed adopted.  She was special needs.  But that didn't stop my heart from loving her right from the start.  My heart yearned for her.  Ryan had similar feelings, and we found ourselves filling out a pre-application for that baby girl.  What a weird, thrilling, scary place to be in!

Days and weeks went by, and we never heard back from the agency (which they said might happen, considering SO many people had inquired about the baby).  And as those weeks went on, I found myself hurting inside for a baby to call my own.  I felt ready, emotionally and mentally.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago, and I woke up from a dream.  I told Ryan, "I just had a dream that I was pregnant."  We both chuckled.  

Add in that the last week or so my emotions have been so strong.  And this past Sunday, Ryan and I had been having a discussion, and I mentioned I was PMSing.  To which he responded, "Or you're pregnant."  And we both chuckled, once again.

Adding that all together, and throughout our lunch on Sunday I kept thinking about the dream, and about what Ryan had said, and began to get more curious.  My next cycle wasn't due to start for another 3 days..... but, I decided to take the last home pregnancy text I had when we got home from lunch.  I'm sure I'm the only one who takes those things BEFORE they even miss their cycle.  ;)

The test was a ClearBlue digital.  And I tried to patiently wait as the little sand timer flashed on the screen.  I busied myself in the bathroom for a few more minutes so as not to drive myself mad waiting.  I looked at the test, and sure enough, "PREGNANT"!  I immediately burst into laughter.  Ryan, of course, had no idea what I was even doing.  So I show him the test, still laughing.  He didn't fully understand why it was so funny.  But to me, it was just funny.

Of course, Ryan made sure, over and over again, that I was "Okay".
I'm elated!  A little nervous--But so happy.

Our Lord gives and He takes away.... and then He gives some more.  <3