Battling the Storm

Over the past several days, God has been dealing with our hearts and teaching us a few things. Ryan took the time to write it all out so we could share it with you. Please take the time to read it all the way through, and open your hearts to whatever God might want to say to you as well. 

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In all honesty, I have been struggling for some time with truly accepting whatever it is God would do with my baby girl, Serenity. I have prayed and, lately, have begun assuming He has turned a deaf ear to me. The thought of this makes me angry. And I fear it will consume me.

Where does this anger come from? Anger is a deep passion, which, for me, tends to surface when a specific situation does not go in a direction I, in MY good wisdom, deem appropriate. In this case, Serenity is getting worse. I thought He had answered that she was going to make it, and come home with her loving mother and father. However, now I feel my heart telling me she will soon leave this world. She is dying. I know it. Thus, in my grief, I am angry.

But, if I am honest with myself, this anger is a result of fear. The fear a parent has for the life of his flesh and blood. My child. My daughter. For me, a believer, why should I fear? “If God is for us, who is against us?” (Romans 8:31) I would argue, it is Satan who is against me. But, there is something far worse than him. Was it Satan, on behalf of the human race, who first sinned? No. It was Adam. And from that day our flesh has been totally consumed by sin. Hence, what is worse than Satan, and also fights against us? I propose, it is ourselves who fights against us! Fear is a result of my sin-infested self. This actively fights against me.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?” (Psalm 27:1a) Because He is my Light and Salvation, there is no need to fear. The fear is not of Him. It is solely of my flesh. In times of fear, we must understand He is our only refuge. This being said, the past two days have been interesting. Not because of my daughter’s pain, rather, because of the way God spoke through this storm.

Yesterday, as I wallowed in my fear, I forced myself to read my devotional. Currently my devotional is, “Mornings and Evenings” by C. H. Spurgeon. As I was struggling with my fear, I realized I feared that God had let me down. This birthed doubt. To my surprise, Spurgeon wrote a devotion on doubt. Smacked in the face by a long dead man who, it just so happens, had an amazing beard. To explain the seriousness in this, you need to now Spurgeon’s “Mornings and Evenings” were written for specific days. Meaning, the book is chaptered by months. Each day of the month has it’s own devotions. One devotional is to be read in the morning and another to be read for the evening. What I read was specifically written for November 9^th. More specifically, what I read was written for the evening of November 9^th. He died in 1892, almost one hundred years before I was born.

God, through the hand of a dead man, convicted me! Oh, how I doubted the Lord! “Think it not a light matter to doubt Jehovah. Remember it is sin; and not a little sin either, but in the highest degree criminal.” This is what I was reminded of, by God, through Spurgeon, who wrote this over one hundred years ago! No coincidence here. Tell me God is not real. At the moment of my unbelief I read this? It was written for that very day! No, God is very real!

He did not stop there. This morning, November 10^th, Spurgeon wrote on Deuteronomy 33:27. It says, “The God of Old is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He drives out the enemy before you and commands, Destroy!” First, He reminded me of my unbelief, which spurred from my fear. Then, as I was brought to tears because of this sin, He wrapped me in His kind and loving arms and told me He is my place of refuge! Even when fear finds a foothold, I am IN my refuge. As He holds me, I know deep down He mourns with me. For He and I are one body.

If you still say God does not exist, please hear me again. As Kasey and I found ourselves repenting of our unbelief and doubt, and while He held us close, as He still does, we chose to go to my sister and brother-in-law’s church. The preaching pastor had a friend of his speak this morning. We felt we needed to be there even though we so wanted to be at the hospital with Serenity. I sat in awe of God as this man preached out of Psalm 23. God did not stop after convicting me and comforting me with His refuge. He continued with the words of David about the Good Shepherd. It says,

“The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack. He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He renews my life; He leads me along the right paths for His namesake. Even when I go through the darkest valley, I FEAR no danger, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD as long as I live.”

The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack. Not only should I have no fear and abide in His refuge, He is my Good Shepherd. David was a shepherd. As he gave king Saul reasons why he should be allowed to fight Goliath, he spoke of how he killed bears and lions with his bear hands in order to save his sheep. Not only does Jesus, as our Good Shepherd, lead us, He also strong-arms the enemy! In this case, my fear and doubt. As my Shepherd, He provides everything I need. So, there is nothing I lack. As one lacking nothing, fear and doubt are un-warranted. He will lead me along the right path. He does this for His name, to prove it trustworthy. If a shepherd, who was hired out, took someone’s sheep down a bad path and lost, injured, or got the sheep killed, his name as a shepherd would be worthless. It would be important for him to keep the sheep safe if he ever wanted another job as a shepherd. So it is with our God! His name is trustworthy! He protects when we go through the darkest of valleys.

            And, better yet, when the enemy is at my door, as though everything is just fine, He prepares a table for me. He does this in the presence of the enemy. Taunting him to try and interrupt! He and they know they will lose against the mighty Shepherd of old! As His friend, He anoints my head with oil. Confirming me as His servant and heir! And as His heir, I will dwell in the house of the Lord from my new birth, and on into eternity! What shall I fear?

            Finally, as I struggled through Him hearing my prayers, I realized I never gave time to hear Him. I kept thinking and talking. It was not until last night, in my bitterness, I heard Him. As I refused to talk to Him, he spoke straight to my sin. Obviously, as I have already written, I repented and He began healing my heart and our relationship. But, now I wonder about my specific prayers. Were they right? Were they pleasing to Him? No, they were not. They were selfish and not centered on the Good, life-changing, News of Jesus our Messiah.

            John 15:7 says, “If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you.” Great! As a follower of Jesus, I can ask Him for anything and it will be done! Yes and No. This is part of Jesus’s teaching of the true vine. He says, “I am the vine, you are the branches.” (v. 5) When has a branch ever told, or dictated, to the vine what would or would not happen? Never! Because life comes from the vine. It flows from the vine in the branch.

            The rest of verse five says, “The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit.” As life flows from the vine into the branches, much fruit is produced. Has the branch done anything? No, it has not. With Jesus as the life giving vine, and me as the connected branch, He flows through me and produces fruit. Not me, but Him. What is the fruit? What is its purpose?

            The fruit is the kingdom building work of God. The purpose of God on this earth is to reconcile with His lost creation. So, the life He flows through me, the branch, is only able to produce the Gospel message. In fact, verse six continues and says, that if no fruit is produced, the branch is cast away and burned, because they are not saved. Then verse seven says, “If you remain Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you.” So, yes, I can ask for anything and He promises to provide. However, for the one connected to the life-giving vine, who, as a branch, is only able to produce the vine’s fruit, I can not ask for anything which does not find itself centered on the Good, life-changing, News of Jesus Christ.

            In my bitter prayers, I have begged for my daughter’s life. I want to raise her. I want to see her and Liam run through the house. To hear them say to each other, “Stop touching me!” To give her away to a Godly man on her wedding day! I so desire these things! I want these things. Are they bad? No, they are definitely not bad things to desire. However, just because I ask, does not mean I will receive.

            As I have contemplated my prayers in light of this passage, I see the error in my request. I prayed for her life. However, I should have, and will now, be praying that God would use her life for the building of His glorious kingdom. I will pray for God to spread His Good, life -hanging, News to the ends of the earth by Serenity’s life or death! Oh, that one would see their sin, repent, and be saved by the powerful blood of Jesus, due to little Serenity! This is what I can and will pray for to the True Vine. Please, by your grace, build Your kingdom through our daughter! She is Yours, not ours!

            As I think of the past two days, I am reminded of my anger, fear, doubt, and prayers. My sin. It is not Satan who attacks in this hour. It is my own sinful flesh. Are my feelings of her dying accurate? I cannot know the answer to this. What I do know, and can say with assuredness, is that I focused anger on my Lord and Savior. I focused my prayers on myself. I was living in fear even though I, as a Christian, have no need to fear. And I doubted God. I believed that His control was, in some way, lacking. Truly, what was lacking was my faith. He stayed the same. I faltered; and in my selfishness, I lost sight of Him. But, to my wonder, He saw fit to pursue me into this dark place and drag me from fear.  He has made a table before my sin and welcomed me to eat. He has anointed me with His Spirit, and I will dwell in His house all the days of my life. And when this life fades, I will dwell in His eternal light and glory for the remainder of eternity.