Cancer of the heart.

From the beginning of our journey that began July 1, 2013, we have attempted to be real and honest with everyone.  However, there is one thing that I have kept hidden.  There is one thing I was ashamed of being honest about.  So why have I decided to share it now?  Because up until this point, I have let things fester and become ugly.  But I believe God has opened my eyes to some important truths this morning that I wish to share with you all.  So please bear with me as I fold back the layers of my heart and expose the ugliness that hides deep within, and then share with you how God has opened my eyes to His Truth. 

As I stew on this verse today, I realize just how cancerous jealousy is, not only to my bones, but also to my heart. As many already know, we have been through a long, tiresome storm with the birth of our second child, our daughter, Serenity Hope.  In the past several weeks, God has been teaching our hearts and minds in a way I would have never guessed.  One thing that I have struggled with from the beginning, though, is jealousy.  Jealousy of all the posts and pictures on social media about everyone's healthy, happy babies--and healthy pregnancies.  The bitter thoughts I have had of these healthy pregnancies and babies has been a selfishness born from jealousy.  I was jealous of the fact that these families haven't spent the past 145+ days watching their premature daughter go through more physical battles than ever thought imaginable.  I was jealous of all the pictures of beautiful babies with chubby cheeks that come from healthy fat rather than unhealthy fluid build-up.  I was jealous of mommies looking into their precious baby's eyes without having to see puffy, bruised eyes that can barely open. I was jealous of all the mommies that got to cuddle their babies whenever they wanted, when I've only held mine a handful of times.  I was jealous of all the smooth, soft perfect skin that can be touched and bathed, when my daughter's skin is bruised and scabbed from needles and tubes.  I was jealous of all the things other mommie's were worried about, and bitter about their (what seemed to me) petty complaints, when I am worried my daughter may not be able to live past this weekend. 

Not only is it not fair of me to have these thoughts and feelings, it's just plain wrong.  I remember feeling all of the things other moms feel when I was pregnant with Liam--and feeling them after he was born.  I remember all the things I worried over and the things my heart hurt from and even the things I complained about.  Every one of those things were valid to me at that point in time.  What I realize is, not a single worry or complaint was less important than what I'm feeling now.  

But worse than that, if I am jealous and bitter toward mommies over what, to me, seems like perfect babies and perfect lives, I am not trusting God like I thought I was.  I am not rejoicing ---> IN <--- my trial.  I am not putting my hope in Him.  I am not allowing myself to worship HIM.  No, instead, I am worshipping my idea of the "perfect" life, and the "perfect" family.  But who is to say what is perfect anyway?  Obviously my idea of what is perfect is incorrect.  

God's idea of perfect is not a healthy, happy family that has all their ducks in a row.  God's idea of perfect is:

* a person who sacrifices their own desires for His desires.  

* a person who dies daily to self and is committed to bringing honor and glory to His Name, for His Kingdom.  

* a person seeking ways to tell others the Good News of Jesus Christ and what He has done for every person on earth.  

* a person who trusts Him completely. 

* a person who worships Him in EVERY circumstance. 

The list goes on. Although I cannot execute these things in a perfect manner, I know that these are the things that the Lord smiles upon.  I know that these are the things the Lord wants of me.  Not a family that looks like everyone else's.  No.  He wants my heart.  He wants my imperfect, filthy, sinful heart.  And He desires to transform it.    

In closing, I would like to apologize to any and all who may have felt my jealousy or bitterness.  Please know that my thoughts and feelings are no one's fault by my own.  My prayer is that my heart will be able to rejoice WITH you all as you celebrate your healthy pregnancies, and your new, healthy babies!  My prayer is also that no one would feel the need to "tip-toe" around me.  Know that I love you all, and am thankful for your friendships in my life.